A few days ago, a friend and I were having a conversation about what would make me happier. It’s clear for many that the acquisition of new goals contributes to happiness… He similarly felt the same. Since that conversation I have not been able to get this out of my mind…
Am I happy? What would truly make me happy? Or happier?
I love nice things…Don’t get me wrong… But my “dream” job, more money, a comfortable home… while all these will make my life easier, these things by themselves won’t necessarily make me happier…
One thing I have realized is that I have always pinned my happiness onto my relationships.
I feel too strongly… hope too passionately… Love too fiercely.
There was a time when my goals did mean a lot to me… They still do…But the past few years I realized that I would rather invest in my relationships and create spaces where I can have truly lasting and enjoyable experiences. Spaces where I can live in my truth. In my opinion, these will last longer even when all those material things have faded. These are the spaces where memories of us live on even after we die.
Thinking about my life, I realized that very few people really knew me. I don’t know if it’s all about the times we live in, or I am too reserved, or people just don’t really listen or pay attention, or maybe it is a combination of different things.
Hence I thought I could fix it…Focus on enhancing the relationships I already had. To this end, I started out sharing with some friends about some issues that were really not big deals, but I wanted us to address so that I wouldn’t have to keep feeling like our relationships were shallow, but then I got the shock of my life. You would be surprised what people will say about you/and to you when they feel defensive…
The confusion for me is in the fact that I know it is healthier to be able to live independently… better not to allow your happiness be contingent on anyone, as people will always disappoint you. I have learned this firsthand. But how do you preserve yourself? How do you feel, hope and love if you are far removed for self preservation?
On this I have struggled. I have been down and out… had days I didn’t want to keep moving… Wanted to isolate myself or not be present anymore. The truth is God has been my anchor by sending me my daughter.
Relationships with some family and friends have brought me a lot of pain and unhappiness. I blame myself.
I wish I could say that I have figured it all out, but I haven’t. I am sharing this because I am working on it. One day it’ll make more sense.
One day I will be able to tell you how to find balance… For now I am focusing on building myself up physically and mentally/emotionally. It has been a long journey, but I already visualize the transformation from my past self 3 years ago. It has not been easy, it still is not easy, I remain a fierce lover, but each day I am one step closer to that better version of myself I envision.
I will continue to keep Love as the focus of everything I do. But I have decided to no longer compromise myself to make others feel comfortable.❤️
-Uju
Dear Uju 