Thank You Mighty Father for Your Amazing grace. Lord where would I be without You. Thank You for being a constant in my life and world. I love You. Thank You for everything You have walked me through from my birth to this day. I am so grateful for your love. In Jesus Name, Amen.

I’ve missed writing.

I’ve had tons of thoughts and things that I have wanted to share, but haven’t gotten around to putting it together. Planning that soon I can get a rhythm going where I can write more consistently.

On to today’s gist 🙂

After the birth of my first born, it took me over three years to return to feeling more like myself, but of course it was a different version. I was in such a rough place then. My healing journey started with fitness and Spartan races. I cannot thank God enough for finding me in all that and leading me to Jesus who was the hope I was searching for. Fast-forward to today, it’s been 14 months since the birth of my second child and it’s been such a different journey. Yes, it’s taking me less time to starting to feel more like myself, but I’ve also been on a different healing journey.

Healing from expectations. I was dealing with loneliness and disappointment. I don’t know if those were wrong expectations, but I surely imagined a different outcome all around. My pregnancy journey was tough, but I made it through by His grace. It wasn’t the fit mom journey I had prayed for. Then I had a different vision of the kind of attention and love I’d experience afterwards. LOL. It was far from it. Actually, the friendships I imagined were present in my life had moved on to other seasons. I anticipated things from my family and they did their very best, but life happens. Then getting back to work, I had imagined life in biotech, which turned out to be completely different. After I pivoted with that and returned to an academic setting, I battled insecurities with work, questioning my capabilities because I was trying to avoid falling into the pressure to perform or anxiety to prove that I’ve still got it. To top it off I was trying not to be swayed by the expectations of this snapback culture that our society is enamored by. I even left social media for sometime to preserve my heart.

As a Christian I’ve learned to speak and think positively, to not worry or be anxious. And yet I found myself worried and anxious about my future and relationships. Not feeling like I had any idea where I would end up or what I was doing. Concerned about the residual effects of the health challenges I had experienced. I heard reminders that since I’d done it all before of course I should be having an easier time. But it wasn’t easier per say. I was just more experienced and it wasn’t exactly a shock this time around. Yet, I was not feeling confident in what I was doing. I had so many questions and concerns, but wondered if I was supposed to ‘cos surely there were others going through worse things. Then I was reminded by God’s Spirit that He cares about every detail of my life. He is present for the highs and the lows. He created me and knows the intricacies. He doesn’t get upset or impatient with me for having questions and concerns. I’ve never felt as held and surrounded by Him as I now do. He truly has carried me every step of the way. He has cared about every tear and hurt in my heart. And He has loved me through it all, soothing my heart and nurturing me to strength and health.

I am on my way.

I don’t have to look back to hold on to what I once had or imagined my life to be. I have to trust The Artist as He is creating a new future. Crafting a new story. I just have to surrender and trust Him with all the details.

I was reminded of Prophet Elijah’s journey. He went from moving in the full confidence of the authority he had in God (1 Kings 17), to being afraid, down and alone (1 Kings 19 & 20). But I love that God wasn’t disappointed in him. Instead He made provisions to provide the nourishments he needed. We don’t know how many hours or days that was, but it matters to me that God cared about him and loved him through the emotional trough he found himself in.

I’m on my way.

I have no idea where this road leads… No, scratch that. I know with all certainty that the woman I’m becoming is on a new level of whole, healed, knowing that she’s loved and she’s lovely, tender, patient, considerate, and compassionate. More fierce and capable. I know that I can always count on the love and guidance of the Holy Spirit. I cannot control the future, but I can trust in the One who sees beyond what I can. I have to trust that I can keep putting one foot in front of the other and trusting God to protect me, defend me, provide for me and shepherd me. I don’t have to fight my own battles. No matter what comes, I’ll be with Him and He with me. It hasn’t been an easy lesson, but the deeper I’ve dived into internalizing these lessons, I’ve continued to grow in my intimacy with my God.

The lyrics of this season by Switchfoot – Dare you to move

“I dare you to move
I dare you to move
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor
I dare you to move
I dare you to move
Like today never happened
Today never happened

Maybe redemption has stories to tell
Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell
Where can you run to escape from yourself?
Where you gonna go?
Where you gonna go?
Salvation is here”

I love that I don’t have to do anything to be loved by God.

Not my routines. Not my workload. Not my doing.

I can trust Him to direct my steps and continue to surround me with His perfect peace as I yield more to His will in each season of my life. Trust that His best is my portion.

I can trust Him with the children and family He has blessed me with. They were His first.

I can trust that since I’ve placed my life in His Hands, that the relationships in my life are exactly on time.

I pray that I may continue to heal. I pray that the purpose and plans of God for my life may continue to be manifested and I won’t be stumbling over myself. Lord may I walk in step with Your Holy Spirit. May I stop trying to take back the burdens I’ve already given to You. Grant me the grace and strength to carry the life load You have placed on my back. I pray that even those things I haven’t vocalized be healed and cease to hold me back. I pray I may drop loads that aren’t mine that I cannot seem to stop trying to add onto my load. I am praying for the continuity of Your Presence in my life and world. Your covering over all of my family. I’m praying for continually growing in intimacy with You Lord. I pray that I may trust You more than I ever have. I pray that I may find my fulfilment in You. In Jesus Name, Amen.

“And this is who You are
More constant than the stars up in the sky
All these years of our lives, I
I look back and I see You
Right now I still do
And I’m always going to

I have won
and I have lost
I got it right sometimes
But sometimes I did not
Life’s been a journey
I’ve seen joy
I’ve seen regret
Oh and You have been my God
Through all of it
You were there when it all came down on me
When I was blinded by my fear
And I struggled to believe
But in those unclear moments
You were the one keeping me strong
This is how my story’s always gone”

– Through all of it by Colton Dixon